For the most part- no one knew that I was sick. I had a mastectomy and went about my life as if nothing happened (except for the Jackson-Pratt Drain that Nathan told people held my “Cancer Juice”- Absolute true story).

After returning from medical leave, my employer decided to let me go “at will” (California employment). Being the Boss Bitch I was (and am)- I went after them and won (not enough but a win is a win!) **Side note: The success rate for winning this type of case is just under 30%.**

A year after starting a new job in the fine state of New Mexico I relapsed, but this time I didn’t fight back. It wasn’t worth compromising my health for the stress of another legal battle (sage advice from 10-year-old Nathan- another true story).

For the first time, in a very (VERY) long time, things were finally good. No. Things were GREAT.

Nathan was settling into school and friends. Jakob was finding his place (and girls). I was healthy (a little too healthy- aka zoftig). Relatively cancer (remission) free, with two thriving boys, and slightly less broke than usual.

Like a favorite pair of sweatpants; comfortable and predicable. I was content. But, like the fabric of life, threadbare, it eventually falls apart.

Facebook Post: On October 18, Nathan was taken too soon. He was involved in a car accident that took his life immediately on impact. He was such a big presence with his compassion, kindness, and inappropriate humor.

Nathan was built different. He was on track to graduate high school at 16-years-old (3.8 GPA) with a stock portfolio that riveled professional investors, and an understanding of human behavior that was taking him to straight to the top.

You can throw your hands up to the sky and yell “WHAT THE ABSOLUTE FUCK MOTHER NATURE?!? COME THE FUCK ON ALREADY!” But she’s too busy ruining other people’s lives with the usual: locust, frogs, and (stinging) red ants, to respond on demand (for the record- I’m still on hold)

Seven and a half months later I’m still (somehow) surviving. In the house that Nathan loved; I am not alone. Nathan’s best friend and his brother (a long story for another time) live here along with eight dogs (also another story). There are a slew of teenagers who also stop by on the regular who were fans of Nathan (and my food pantry).

Being alone isn’t an option; there are too many people (not just kids) who lives were changed by My Nathan. He was a forced to be reckoned with- for better or worse- you were going to love him. There was no way around it, he was persistent like that.

Whatever your religion – after losing My Nathan – there is only one belief- that he is waiting for me. He’s waiting to show me the coolest parts of the universe filled with the brightest colors and boldest tunes.

“Too Fast” (Sonder, 2017)

People say I drive too fast, move too fast, live too fast,
Ain’t no such thing as too fast for me
People say I drive too fast, move too fast, live too fast
Ain’t no such thing as too fast for me

Living at the speed of light, like a bullet, I could be dead by the morning
I can’t call it, So I ain’t got no time, to wait Tryna face it,

So I ain’t got time to wait it out

“Living at the speed of light, it’s hard to follow” (Nathan Phillips, 4/4/11 – 10/18/25)