I wrote my future self a letter, exactly five years ago, with the intention of reading it when I crossed the five-year survivor finish line:

 “I wanted this day to be my day not to have cancer, not to struggle to breath, not to work, not to be mommymommmymommymommy, not to clean, not to do laundry

and …not to do anything except feel good and normal.

But none of those things happened.

 Since 8am… I’ve done two loads of laundry, smoothed over a temper tantrum, cleaned the house, worked, and played with Nathan who didn’t take nap but really needed one”.

 “Now, at 10:30pm, …I’m hungry and trying not to have a pity party for one. I just wanted today to be not like every other day. I wanted to unwrap special gifts that were planned with care. I wanted to be doted on and over. More than anything, I wanted to feel beautiful again.”  

Today. Exactly five-years later, to my younger self, I write: Don’t give up.

Even though it may seem like it– it’s not forever, it’s just right now. “Jo aaj hai vo kal nahi hoga or jo kal hoga vo aaj nahi hai” You will lose some battles; you will lose nearly everything. But in the end, you will win the war.

It doesn’t get easier, but it does get better.

Like chaff that wind blows away, you will feel lighter and freer with each passing mile, New Mexico bound. The friends who matter most will understand your decisions. No explanation needed. With winnowing fork, the chaff from the wheat separate.

You will have a house full of children (don’t worry- only two are yours!) who play in your backyard: bouncing on a giant trampoline, picking home-grown fruits and vegetables, and chasing way too many dogs (living under your roof).  All while being scolded by a kitchen full of moms who don’t care what other people think and don’t mind yelling at other people’s children.

You will discover your story.

You will exhaust your emotional, mental, physical, and monetary reserves moving to New Mexico- and regret nothing. You will say goodbye to the beach and hello to snow-topped mountains.

You will find your penguin. And you will fall madly, deeply, hopelessly in love. It won’t be easy, but trust me- it will be worth it.

You will find your happy.