Breast Cancer, Coping with Cancer, mastectomy, reconstructive surgery

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

The day of my surgery I was assured there would be no drains, which is fine because I can just relive that experience by reading my earlier blog, no need for a repeat performance. Post-surgery, showering is prohibited for 4342 minutes. After 1440 of those minutes I couldn’t take it anymore. With the grace of a swan and agility of a mountain lion, I sat in 6” of lukewarm water with a washcloth in one hand and a bar of soap in the other. To be honest, everything was going according to plan except I missed one key factor. The blonde, curly-headed wrench in the well-oiled machine.  DANG IT! I forgot to lock the door.

Nathan: Mommy! I want to take a bath with you!!!

Me: Nathan. Please close the door.

Nathan: Mommy! Why are you wearing a shirt? That’s so silly!

Me: Nathan. Get out of the bathroom and close the door. Please.

Nathan: (Stripping off his clothes) Put bubbles in Mommy! And more water!!!

Me: Nathan. Stop taking off your clothes. You are not getting in this bath. Get out. Please. Now.

Nathan: (Screaming and fake crying) I’M GOING TO TELL DADDY!!!

Andy Enters.

Andy: Honey. What are you doing? The doctor said you can’t get your stiches wet for 3-days! You’re soaked!

Me: Thank you for that observation.

Nathan: (Still fake crying) MOMMY WON’T LET ME GET IN THE BATH WITH HER!!!

Me: (Sitting in cold dirty water) For crying out loud, will you both PLEASE get out of the bathroom?

Andy: (Ogling like the dirty old man he is) Do you need some help babe?

Nathan: I can help too mommy!!!

Me: I am sitting in dirty bath water, freezing, after surgery less than a day ago. So yes. Clearly I want you to “help” me bathe. That is exactly what l was thinking.

Me: GET OUT OF THE BATHROM. GET OUT. GET OUT. GET! OUT!

Nathan: You don’t have to yell! And Mommy. AND you didn’t say please.

Three days later I revisited the doctor for big reveal. I’m not quite sure what I was expecting; maybe something like this:

She sat patiently, on the exam table as the nurse slowly unwrapped the bandages and removed the gauze. She was anxious, afraid and excited as she averted her eyes. Finally, the nurse declared, “They’re perfect. A work of art. I have never seen such beautiful breasts except on Botticelli’s Birth of Venus.” Finally, looking down, she smiled. It was true. They were perfect in every way: two unblinking eyes, staring straight ahead, youthfully standing at attention.

… And now back to reality…

She sat on the exam table while the nurse said, “What are you waiting for. Go ahead and take off the gauze. You can have some privacy so call me after you’ve put on this paper robe, open in the front.” She shrugged her shoulders and started unwrapping. When it was all said and done, she jumped off the table, walked over and stood in front of the mirror.

Huh. Well then…

The girls looked like Rocky after a barroom brawl with both eyes looking askance in opposite directions, bruised, stitched and swollen. Her hair wasn’t even seductively windblown; it was matted to the side of her head from a three day shampoo vacation. On closer inspection, she noticed her unibrow was filling in nicely to compliment her intricately knotted coiffure.

The nurse soon returned, along with the doctor, who took a cursory glance at her handiwork and declared:  “Looks great. Any questions?”     …. Uhhhhh….     “Okay great. See you in six weeks.”

Since the initial unveiling, the swelling has gone down and things have shifted and sort of evened out. There is one additional surgery to go. As my doctor says, “We’re about 75% there…” While the idea of another surgery is akin to a day at Chuck E. Cheese, when will I ever have another opportunity to have fat liposuctioned from my hips and stomach and used to sculpt the ladies to near 100%?

I’ve informed Andy that I now have two birthdays that we’ll be celebrating, the day of my actual birth and the day my new ladies were conceived. I’m not quite sure how the “Happy Birthday” song would go but I’ve got some great ideas for cakes:

TITS YOUR BIRTHDAY

Standard

2 thoughts on “HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

  1. kathleen kerr-schochet says:

    When do you go through all of this again??? I’m sure that post will be just as entertaining!!! xoxo

    On Wed, Jul 1, 2015 at 2:23 PM, Saying Goodbye to Lefty wrote:

    > momteacherfriendsister posted: “The day of my surgery I was assured > there would be no drains, which is fine because I can just relive that > experience by reading my earlier blog, no need for a repeat performance. > Post-surgery, showering is prohibited for 4342 minutes. After 1440 of > those”

    Like

  2. Kim McGee says:

    Love it! Thank you for sharing and for all your support with my new BC issues. I know God put you in my life for a reason. Hugs to you, my friend.
    Kim

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s