I never wanted to have children in the first place. While all of my girlfriends were trying to get pregnant, waddling around in the final months of pregnancy, or changing dirty diapers post pregnancy, all I could think was “this is so totally not for me”.  Until that fateful day when… it was so totally me. And there I sat an hour early, to secure two front row seats, proudly waiting for the ceremonial tassel turning: camera in one hand and tissue in the other.

Slowly the hordes of moms, dads, grandparents, aunts, uncles and friends trickled in, armed with balloons and flowers. While waiting for the ceremony to begin I overheard their jokes about how preschool graduation was a great excuse to leave work early. I chose to sit alone, engaged in my own inner dialogue:

I earned this. Nathan earned this. We earned this. Nathan’s bottomless cup of energy was always (mostly) brimming with cheerful abandonment while I worked 80 hours a week to pay for his first year of preschool. And while I endured three bouts of pneumonia during his second year of preschool. And while I underwent five surgeries during his final year of preschool. And through it all, I haven’t complained (much), haven’t lamented (much), and haven’t missed any Christmas, Valentine’s, Easter, or summer solstice school celebrations.

From the front row, I proudly watched Nathan walk across the jungle-gym stage, coast down the curved sliding board aisle and turn his tassel at the end of his descent with grandeur. I was so proud of us.

For the past year and a half, our morning routine included taking Tamoxifen, a life-saving pill that blocks Estrogen from binding to Cancer, and daily reminder that I will always have invasive ductal carcinoma.  

and  Plaquenil, the WD-40 of  autoimmune disorders. It is used to keep things moving in the right direction. Any direction… As long as it’s moving.

and finally, I never missed my healthy dose of pain-in-the-neck three times a day, and four times on the days that end with the letter “y”.

Was it worth it? You tell me: